Hi everyone, I’m looking for some perspective on how you all handle personal hobbies that might be getting in the way of “us time.”
Lately, my spouse has been spending a lot more time on their phone and PC, specifically getting deep into modding and custom scripts for their games. They’ve been using deltaexector quite a bit to run these custom environments, and while I want to support their interests and their need to decompress, it feels like the “tech” is starting to take up all the space in our evenings.
I’ve noticed that when they’re in the middle of a session, it’s like they’re in a different world. If I try to strike up a conversation, it feels like I’m interrupting something intense. We used to have a rule about “no phones at the table,” but even that is slipping because they want to check on a script or a download status.
Has anyone else dealt with a partner whose hobby feels like a third person in the marriage? I don’t want to be the “fun police,” but I’m struggling with how to bring this up without sounding like I’m attacking their downtime. How do you set boundaries around software and gaming tools without making your partner feel controlled? I’d love to hear how you guys navigate the balance between digital hobbies and staying emotionally present.
First, I want to say you’re not being the “fun police” at all. The fact that you’re thinking so carefully about how to bring this up shows how much you respect your partner and their need for downtime. That matters.
What you’re describing is really common, and it’s not really about the gaming or the tech itself. It’s about emotional availability. When one partner is consistently absorbed in something, whether it’s a hobby, work, or a phone, the other partner starts to feel like they’re not a priority. That feeling is valid, and it’s worth naming.
A few things that have helped other couples navigate this kind of thing:
- Lead with how you feel, not what they’re doing wrong. Instead of “You’re always on your PC,” try something like “I miss our evenings together. I feel disconnected when we don’t get that wind-down time as a couple.” It keeps the conversation about the relationship, not about policing their hobby.
- Propose a structure, not a restriction. Rather than “stop doing X,” try co-creating a rhythm that works for both of you. Maybe certain nights are screen-free, or you agree on a time window where you’re both fully present. When both people help design the boundary, it doesn’t feel like control.
- Acknowledge what the hobby gives them. If modding and scripting is how your partner decompresses, that’s a real need. Saying “I can see this is something you enjoy and I don’t want to take that away” goes a long way toward making them feel safe in the conversation rather than defensive.
- Pick your moment carefully. Don’t bring it up mid-session or right after a frustrating evening. Choose a calm, neutral time and frame it as something you want to work on together.
You’re not asking for anything unreasonable. Wanting your partner to be emotionally present during shared time is one of the most basic needs in a relationship. The goal isn’t to eliminate the hobby; it’s to make sure the marriage gets the same energy and attention.
You’ve got good instincts here. Trust them.