What do you do when you try to communicate with your partner about the lack of affection in your relationship, but he ends up getting angry and defensive?
All feedback no matter how politely or factually it’s phrased naturally creates a defensive mindset. It’s just how we’re programmed and it takes decades of self-work and meditation to let go of the self that protects us in this way. With this in mind, it’s helpful to ask questions to check your partner’s reality before you jump in with what’s lacking. By asking questions, you avoid the trap of inferring assumptions, which can quickly trigger the feeling of being blamed for something. With true curiosity, you check in with your partner’s reality and ask him what he needs from you regarding affection. Also, what does being affectionate look like for him? Once you know what he experiences, then you can state your experience and how you feel.
For example, when he doesn’t hold your hand during whatever situation, you feel excluded or even ignored. So, would he consider holding hands during those moments? Of course, that’s just an example, so choose whatever behavior you feel is lacking and be specific in describing it along with the feelings it creates in you. The aim is to share how it impacts you so that you can connect emotionally. The more you connect this way, the more likely you’ll nurture empathy for each other and a deeper connection.