What questions should I ask before marriage?
When you’re contemplating something as serious as marriage, although it’s nice and romantic to think that “all you need is love”, the reality is it takes a lot more than that in order to make that kind of relationship work—and more importantly, last. So I am glad that you are already thinking about what questions to ask.
That’s why, if you’re getting to the point where you and your special someone are contemplating marriage, it’s a good idea to see a marriage counselor. Although a lot of people tend to wait until after they are engaged, seeing someone before the big proposal can help to put some things into clear perspective. It can help you to see marriage from a more realistic point of view.
But, if you’re curious about some of the questions that you should ask your significant other as you’re considering sharing the rest of your life with them, here are some crucial ones:
Religion
- How much does religion, and religious affiliation, matter to you?
Family & Parenting
- Do you want children? Why or why not?
- How many?
- Would you adopt? Why or why not?
Relationship & Love
- Why did your last three relationships end? Have any regrets?
- Which religion would our kids follow?
- What was the good and not-so-good parts of your childhood?
- What do you like about your parents’ relationship? What would you do differently?
Personal Goals
- Why is marriage important to you?
- What do you feel is your purpose in life?
- What do you feel a spouse can do for you and your dreams and ambitions?
- What is more important: compatibility or communication?
andrea.paul those are some GREAT questions, good job! I would also add just a few as to round out what you should know or be aware of going into a complex relationship like marriage:
- How and when will you argue? Will you have these exchanges as soon as the issue presents itself or will you schedule it for a later time when both partners have had time to process and calm?
- Will you use past behaviors in your discussions?
- Do you have a SAFE word? A word used by either partner to signal that things are getting too heated and you need to take a break before one of you says or does something they will regret?
- What will your day to day schedule look like and what household/family chores and errands will each partner be responsible for completing? What about your time together?
- Will you have date nights or perhaps time where you volunteer together for a non-profit you both enjoy? What about your individual creative outlets? Will you share those or will they be reserved only for your time alone?
- What is the way your partner most likes to receive love? Are they tactile and love to be touched, kissed, hugged, made love to, or are they visual and they like texts, notes, or gifts that you send or give unexpectedly? Are perhaps they like “acts of service”-washing their car, changing the oil, filling the gas tank, running errands they need to run, etc or perhaps they are auditory and they need to hear they are doing a good job or that you love them and this could be with phone calls, voice notes, or whispers in their ear… by knowing how your partner likes to receive love, it will make it easy for you to know they always know you love them. There is a wonderful book by Gary Chapman called the Five Love Languages and in that book there are quizzes for both men and women and at the end you will know your partner’s love language, and you can then learn to “speak” it frequently and fluently!
That is a great addition LoveCoach. You are awesome! I really like what you have written. I think couples are now really seeking & want to know how they can improve things. They may even have long disussion on these matters before getting married. But the real problem that may occur is when things don’t go as planned after marriage…and it’s bound to happen. A couple cannot plan their whole lives…when things don’t go as planned, that’s when one gets to know the strength of a marriage. What are your thoughts?
Am I willing to make decisions with two people in mind rather than making decisions only for myself?
Where will we go to church? What hobbies do we share that we can both do together? What hobbies do you have that the other person will not/can not participate in?
What are my personal goals? How can I focus on myself, my partner, and our relationship, and make sure each meets the goals set?