Why do we sometimes push away the people we love most?

General
1

Hi everyone — I’m new here and have been reading through a few threads before posting. There’s a lot of thoughtful advice in this community.

Something I’ve been thinking about lately (both personally and through the relationship psychology work I do) is how often we unintentionally sabotage closeness when we actually care deeply.

Sometimes it looks like:
• pulling away when things get serious
• picking fights over small things
• testing our partner instead of asking directly for reassurance
• shutting down instead of saying what we need

I’ve noticed that in many cases it isn’t about not loving someone — it’s about fear of vulnerability or past experiences creeping in.

I’m curious — have you ever caught yourself pushing someone away even though you didn’t want to lose them?

I recently wrote a deeper breakdown of romantic self-sabotage patterns and why they happen if anyone’s interested:
[insert link naturally here]

Looking forward to learning from you all.

2

Really appreciate this post, it’s something I’ve thought about a lot too.

For me, the testing thing is the one I’ve caught myself doing the most. Wanting reassurance but asking for it sideways instead of just saying “hey, I need to hear that you’re okay with us right now.” It’s wild how much harder the indirect way is, and how often it backfires. I think you’re right that it usually isn’t about love. It’s more like the closer something feels, the more there is to lose, and some part of the brain treats that as danger.

Marriage.com has a piece on this that covers a lot of the patterns you mentioned, in case anyone reading wants to go deeper: https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/self-sabotaging-in-relationships/

What’s helped you start to notice the patterns in yourself? Curious how that awareness shifted things.